Why listening is good for us

IS disagreement healthy or unhealthy? Where would you draw the line? We would probably agree that if things turn unpleasant, abusive or violent, then it’s not healthy for anyone. Healthy disagreement involves listening to each other with respect and kindness.

I am remembering a community meeting that took place in our neighbourhood in north London when people started shouting at the Councillors and drowning them out. This was in the year 2000 when such behaviour was rare. Overnight, with one road blocked off and traffic lights installed at a nearby junction, drivers started chasing around in search of alternatives. Unsurprisingly, residents were angry; each group had their own preferred solution.

Some of us invited group representatives to a meeting to see if we could resolve things. Each rep was asked to speak with no interruptions for five minutes maximum on what was upsetting people in their streets and what they needed to make them safe. After an initial complaint, everyone settled into this process, sharing their worries calmly and thoughtfully. Now they could see the bigger picture and their common ground.

I think it worked because everyone shared their experience and concerns. Everyone felt heard and understood because they had been listened to without interruption, with attention and empathy. Their initial anger had turned into thoughtful conversation. They were keen to find a solution for everyone and could see merits in the different ideas. Pooling their suggestions, they then agreed a constructive plan which they went on to share with the councillors.

There are many ways of creating listening spaces such as this, even in more complex situations. For example, in the Quaker United Nations offices, diplomats frequently meet to share thoughts off the record, so that they can approach formal negotiations more constructively. In our own business meetings, Quakers do not vote because where there is a conflict we search for the wisdom to rise above our individual viewpoints.

Our Sunday morning meetings are a time to listen, in the stillness, to our inner voice. In Quaker writing this is described as the “promptings of love and truth in our hearts, which are the leadings of God”. We have different ways of expressing our experience of God, perhaps as divine energy, inner light or spirit. As we listen in the presence of that loving wisdom, we may find what we most need: maybe peace or support or answers to our questions.

Listening is enriching. Sharing stories and pooling ideas helps people come up with creative, constructive solutions that we might never have thought of on our own. Kind, thoughtful listening becomes a bridge to healing and wholeness.

Ruth Tod, Henley Quakers