Skeet shooter Amber Rutter talks about overcoming depression after Olympic heartache

For Mental Health Awareness Month, former Claires Court School pupil, Amber Rutter (formerly Hill) has spoken with BBC Sport about overcoming depression and anxiety after a positive COVID test robbed her of her chance to compete for Olympic glory in Tokyo.

The England shooter was ranked world number one heading into the delayed 2021 Olympic Games and was seen as one of Team GB's leading medal hopes. However, on the eve of the Games - with her bags packed and ready for her flight to Tokyo - she tested positive for Covid-19 and her Olympic dream was dashed.

Rutter, who grew up in Berkshire and went to school in Maidenhead, was the first and only member of the British team to withdraw from the Olympics because of a positive Covid test, and the crushing disappointment left her in a 'dark place' for several months.

"My bags were packed, it was my last Covid test before I could get the flight to the Olympics and then the faintest of lines came up," said Amber in a BBC interview this week.

"My heart just sank, and I knew my dream was over."

"I dropped to my knees and cried for what felt like weeks,

"In the following months my mental health really started to take a dive."

Amber's grandfather Bill Rogers was the first person to take her to a shooting range in Berkshire at the age of 10, and his presence was key to her early success in the sport. In 2013, at the age of 15, she became the sport's youngest world champion and was named the BBC's Young Sports Personality of the Year. She went on to win European and World honours in the following years before his death in 2019. Amber had hoped to honour the impact he'd had on her sporting career by winning an Olympic medal, and she admitted to feeling 'guilt' after her positive test.

"Telling them it was over, with my bags packed waiting for the 6am taxi to the airport the next morning, was definitely the worst moment of my life, she said. "Everyone just broke down in tears with me. I did turn off the TV for most of the Games because every time I saw it, it did bring back some hard memories and I was struggling with anxiety. At night I couldn't sleep because I got myself into quite a bad place where I hated and resented everything to do with the sport.

"I wanted to quit, but I felt guilt for my grandad because it was our passion together and he wouldn't have wanted me to feel this miserable and unhappy.

"There were real waves of depths and highs that I went through because I didn't know what the future looked like, because shooting was my life, but I'd got myself into such a dark place with a lot of sadness and depression."

After working through her problems with the help of a psychologist, Amber has successfully returned to the sport winning three European titles and securing a Team GB berth for the next Olympics in Paris next summer. 2022 was one of her most successful shooting seasons to date.

"It was my most successful year to date," she states proudly. "But still, when I was there, I was in tears a lot and wanted to pull out of the competitions a day before because I didn't want to be travelling the world. As the competitions went forward, I started to get a bit of momentum and direction and with the support of an amazing team, success slowly started to feel more meaningful."

Amber has also gained a little more perspective on life. In February, the 25-year-old married her long-term partner James Rutter in Thailand, and she feels she's more grounded with hopes of starting a family in the not-too-distant future.

She said: "Tokyo has really given me a real reality check and made me realise that you're a person before you're an athlete. I felt like I was planning life for eight years in advance working around an Olympics, which is just two days of my life and I'd put so much on hold.

"Right now, I'm really happy with marriage and with the idea of starting a family because these are really important things to me."

She added: "The idea of winning an Olympic medal has slightly changed for me and I would be lying to say that it was everything that I wanted to achieve now,

“Yes, it would be life-changing, but I'm really prioritising happiness and the things that I want to do with my life first. If the Olympics fits into my plans, then I'm sure it'll be amazing."

Amber chose 'Mental Health Awareness Month' to speak out about the challenges she has faced in the hope it will encourage others who are struggling to seek help.