"Carpet seems so nice and soft, what could possibly be wrong with it? But that is just a cruel bait that it uses to draws you in. Only then do you discover the truth of microscopic filth, toenail clippings, mite faeces, and pestilence..."
"As I walk around the village there are often at least half a dozen leaf blowers at work sucking the peaceful tranquillity out of the air and chewing it up with the leaves..."
"So I'm chatting with former Strictly Come Dancing champion Chris Hollins, just hours after watching Maidenhead United, and we're talking about the FA Cup..."
"In short, despite their kindness and consideration, humans are the most extraordinary creatures, not at all like we felines, but with time and training who knows?..."
"We are now a few days into 2012, the decorations are due to be taken down tomorrow and it is the time of year when I start to be racked with indecision."
"Warning: Being prepared for the perfect Christmas is bad for your health - and pocket..."
"Tesco is so relentless that I am told by my step-father, with a 'don't you dare' look in his eye, it even sells funeral packages these days..."
"It's not going to be easy stopping thieves who are happy to risk their lives on the slippery roof of a church, at night, to steal some lead flashing, but something needs to done..."
